1 00:00:01,930 --> 00:00:03,470 Thank you. 2 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:47,240 Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to 40 Years of 3 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:48,580 tribute to George Carlin. 4 00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:55,820 I want to make it clear. 5 00:00:56,100 --> 00:01:00,080 I want to make it clear this is not a summation of his career. This is not a 6 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:01,080 Thalberg Award. 7 00:01:01,100 --> 00:01:05,840 We're not retiring his mic. We're merely checking in on a body of work that 8 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:08,380 continues to grow at an astonishing pace. 9 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:12,680 There are two things that comedians of all stripes have in common, basically. 10 00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:17,880 One, the belief that someone who's not as funny as they are is doing better 11 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:18,880 they are. 12 00:01:19,540 --> 00:01:21,840 And two, we're a cynical bunch. 13 00:01:22,100 --> 00:01:27,980 And two, a sincere love and respect for George Carlin and his work. 14 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:33,580 He is a member of our Holy Trinity. Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, George 15 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:35,280 The rest of us are just time to go. 16 00:01:42,180 --> 00:01:45,340 Personally, I first began listening to George Carlin in seventh grade. 17 00:01:45,540 --> 00:01:47,540 We had gotten a hold of Class Clown. 18 00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:53,900 And man, it was funny and dirty and 19 00:01:53,900 --> 00:01:58,960 great. And we just knew instinctively that parents weren't going to like this 20 00:01:58,960 --> 00:01:59,960 kind of thing. 21 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:06,520 We just knew. George Carlin was a rite of passage in the 70s. As much as 22 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:11,039 cigarettes. and looking at Playboys, and in my case, dressing like Ace Frehley. 23 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:17,260 And while the thrill has dissipated from those other activities, my pleasure in 24 00:02:17,260 --> 00:02:21,360 listening to George grows every time I hear him, as does my respect and 25 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:24,680 admiration for him as a performer and as a person. 26 00:02:24,980 --> 00:02:29,920 So please sit back and enjoy a rather condensed version of George Carlin, 40 27 00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:30,920 Years in Comedy. 28 00:02:34,410 --> 00:02:36,990 Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Good evening. My name is 29 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:41,870 Carlin, and I am a professional comedian, as opposed to the kind you run 30 00:02:41,870 --> 00:02:43,410 work all day long. 31 00:02:48,990 --> 00:02:54,050 There are thousands of comedians in this country, but basically only two types 32 00:02:54,050 --> 00:02:56,910 of humor. There's the old school and the new school. 33 00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:01,680 I think we recognize them both. The old school is largely made up of the fast 34 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:05,440 -paced stand -up comedians, the one -liner comics who came from vaudeville 35 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:09,560 burlesque, and they comprise the insult school of humor. Jackie Leonard is a 36 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:10,560 good example of this. 37 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:13,560 Well, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. I'd just like to say it's 38 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,000 wonderful to be back here in New York once again. 39 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:18,080 It's a wonderful town. Thank you very much. You've got some lovely girls here 40 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:19,500 compared to the last place I worked. 41 00:03:19,820 --> 00:03:23,120 Somebody brought there was so ugly that if you wanted to pay him a compliment, 42 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:26,260 you had to say, how do you do? I see your face cleared up. 43 00:03:30,270 --> 00:03:34,970 Now, by contrast, in the new school, we have many different styles, but the 44 00:03:34,970 --> 00:03:38,650 foremost among them, I feel, is Mort Saul, the first man to do much with 45 00:03:38,650 --> 00:03:40,570 political comedy since Will Rogers. 46 00:03:40,950 --> 00:03:41,950 Mort Saul. 47 00:03:42,270 --> 00:03:45,370 Right. Good. Right. Good. Right. That's right. Good. Right. 48 00:03:45,790 --> 00:03:52,650 Right. Basically, it's a dichotomy of guilt in society we're concerned 49 00:03:52,650 --> 00:03:54,290 with. Right. Right. Good. Right. 50 00:03:56,010 --> 00:04:00,370 That covers the comedians that we pay to see. There is, however, a third field 51 00:04:00,370 --> 00:04:04,290 generally unrecognized among humorists, and that's White House humor. 52 00:04:05,270 --> 00:04:07,090 JFK, the present resident president. 53 00:04:09,730 --> 00:04:10,730 Thank you very much. 54 00:04:11,490 --> 00:04:16,329 On behalf of the Attorney General, to Joint Chiefs of Staff, to members of the 55 00:04:16,329 --> 00:04:18,970 Supreme Court, and the rest of my family. 56 00:04:23,980 --> 00:04:28,280 the country and Canada has been asking for us to bring back George Carlin. So, 57 00:04:28,300 --> 00:04:32,980 ladies and gentlemen, here is comedian, comedy star George Carlin. 58 00:04:33,300 --> 00:04:35,040 Hey, baby, what's happening? 59 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:38,480 Hey. 60 00:04:39,220 --> 00:04:40,400 Que pasa? 61 00:04:41,060 --> 00:04:43,460 How sleety, you hippy -dippy weatherman. 62 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:46,820 Brought to you by Parsons Pest Control. 63 00:04:47,500 --> 00:04:51,000 Do you have termites, water bugs, and roaches? 64 00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:52,880 Yeah, yeah. 65 00:04:55,560 --> 00:05:00,080 Well, Parson's pest control will get rid of the termites and water bugs and let 66 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:01,140 you keep the roaches. 67 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,720 Tonight's forecast, dark. 68 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:17,300 Continued dark tonight. 69 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,340 Turning to partly light in the morning. 70 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:23,740 And the big fight is coming up. 71 00:05:25,159 --> 00:05:28,460 Ali and Frazier, Muhammad Ali. I call him Muhammad Ali because that's what he 72 00:05:28,460 --> 00:05:29,460 wants. 73 00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:32,080 Oh, yeah, he's a big dude and he hits hard, you know. 74 00:05:32,820 --> 00:05:35,580 I'll call him what he wants. But it's good that he's being allowed to work 75 00:05:35,580 --> 00:05:37,280 again. As you know, he couldn't work for three years. 76 00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:40,820 Of course, he had a strange job beating people up. 77 00:05:43,340 --> 00:05:46,000 But that was his, you know, his right. He could have that job. 78 00:05:46,900 --> 00:05:48,380 Government wanted him to change jobs. 79 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:49,800 Government wanted him to kill people. 80 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:01,700 He thought it over, and he said, no, that's where I draw the line. 81 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:05,480 I'll beat him up, but I don't want to kill him. 82 00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:10,040 And the government told him, well, if you won't kill him, we won't let you 83 00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:11,040 him up. 84 00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:22,220 And it was all because he didn't want to go to Vietnam, and now we're getting 85 00:06:22,220 --> 00:06:25,060 out of Vietnam through Laos and Cambodia. 86 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:29,440 That's got to be the long way. 87 00:06:30,180 --> 00:06:33,500 We've got to go through China and Russia to get out that way. What are we going 88 00:06:33,500 --> 00:06:35,300 to tell them? We'll only be here a short time. 89 00:06:36,420 --> 00:06:37,740 Just looking for a trail. 90 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,060 Well, maybe they'll go for it. I don't know. 91 00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:45,760 Of course, we're only there in Southeast Asia for one reason, to free the people 92 00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:46,860 so they can have industry. 93 00:06:47,500 --> 00:06:50,480 Isn't that what we do everywhere, I think? We kind of free people and then 94 00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:55,300 little industry on them so they can have all the benefits of industry that we 95 00:06:55,300 --> 00:06:56,300 have. 96 00:07:05,230 --> 00:07:09,110 Oh, beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain. 97 00:07:09,490 --> 00:07:14,210 For strip -mined mountains, majesty above the asphalt plain. 98 00:07:15,070 --> 00:07:19,170 America, America, man sheds his waste on thee. 99 00:07:19,490 --> 00:07:24,690 And hides the pines with billboard signs from sea to oily sea. 100 00:07:27,830 --> 00:07:29,270 I used to be this guy. 101 00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:34,190 Or maybe this guy used to be me. I don't know. We were each other at one time. 102 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:35,720 It wasn't long ago. 103 00:07:35,820 --> 00:07:39,780 I liked him, you know. He was really good. He was funny, and I had a lot of 104 00:07:39,780 --> 00:07:43,560 with him. He did some nice things for me, but it was like there was nothing 105 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:44,740 behind him, you know. 106 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:46,080 He was kind of... 107 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:47,920 Just superficial. 108 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:51,400 Just the surface. It was all characters. I wasn't in there. I found out I wasn't 109 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:55,060 in my own act after a while. And here I'd been doing it for five years. It was 110 00:07:55,060 --> 00:07:56,060 all characters. 111 00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:59,600 It was all other people that I remembered from my life. And composites 112 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:03,360 people. People like this lady here, Congolia Breckenridge. A marvelous 113 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:05,300 contestant on a quiz show. Picador. 114 00:08:05,580 --> 00:08:07,160 Oh, and I see Monty. 115 00:08:07,380 --> 00:08:08,380 Monty. 116 00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:12,500 Oh, how many, what are the doors? One, two, and three. Oh, wow. What was that 117 00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:13,960 again? One, two, and three. 118 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:17,240 Okay, three. No, wait, one. No, hold on. I didn't go yet. 119 00:08:19,180 --> 00:08:21,500 My trouble was I wanted a list. 120 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:25,160 I didn't think it was asking much. 121 00:08:26,180 --> 00:08:28,440 Here are these words I'm not supposed to say. 122 00:08:29,220 --> 00:08:30,220 Let's have a look at them. 123 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:36,860 I figured, looking for a list, I started running into all the categories of 124 00:08:36,860 --> 00:08:37,860 dirty words. 125 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:41,320 Started to realize there are more ways to describe filthy words than there are 126 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:42,320 filthy words. 127 00:08:42,980 --> 00:08:46,640 Seemed curious to me. Someone was awfully interested in them. 128 00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:53,860 They found an awful lot of ways to refer to them. And I did too. Called them bad 129 00:08:53,860 --> 00:08:54,860 language. 130 00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:56,660 Dirty. 131 00:08:57,360 --> 00:08:58,360 Filthy. 132 00:08:58,880 --> 00:08:59,880 Foul. 133 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:01,600 Vile. 134 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:03,600 Vulgar. 135 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:06,880 Coarse. 136 00:09:08,090 --> 00:09:13,290 Unseemly, in poor taste, street language, locker room talk, gutter talk, 137 00:09:13,550 --> 00:09:20,390 barracks language, naughty, saucy, bawdy, raunchy, rude, 138 00:09:20,710 --> 00:09:26,510 lewd, lascivious, indecent, profane, obscene, blue, off -color, 139 00:09:26,850 --> 00:09:31,130 risque, suggestive. 140 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:37,040 Cursing, cussing, swearing. All I could think of was shit, piss, fuck, cunt, 141 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:38,680 cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits, man. 142 00:09:39,420 --> 00:09:45,180 There are things about the words surrounding football and baseball which 143 00:09:45,180 --> 00:09:46,180 all away. 144 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:48,640 Football is technological. 145 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,960 Baseball is pastoral. 146 00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:56,860 Football is played in a stadium. 147 00:09:58,040 --> 00:09:59,900 Baseball is played in a park. 148 00:10:02,220 --> 00:10:03,680 In football, you wear a helmet. 149 00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:06,040 In baseball, you wear a cap. 150 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:14,900 Football is played on an enclosed, rectangular grid, and every one of them 151 00:10:14,900 --> 00:10:15,940 the same size. 152 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:20,260 Baseball is played on an ever -widening angle. 153 00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:24,480 It reaches to infinity, and every park is different. 154 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:30,060 Football is rigidly timed. 155 00:10:31,220 --> 00:10:34,080 Baseball has no time limit. We don't know when it's going to end. 156 00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:37,580 We might even have extra innings. 157 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,560 In football, you get a penalty. 158 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:43,380 In baseball, you make an error. Whoops. 159 00:10:46,060 --> 00:10:52,220 The object in football is to march downfield and penetrate enemy territory 160 00:10:52,220 --> 00:10:53,920 get into the end zone. 161 00:10:54,900 --> 00:10:57,500 In baseball, the object is to go home. 162 00:11:02,089 --> 00:11:07,210 And in football, they have the clip, the hit, the block, the tackle, the blitz, 163 00:11:07,230 --> 00:11:09,130 the bomb, the offense, and the defense. 164 00:11:09,910 --> 00:11:12,490 In baseball, they have the sacrifice. 165 00:11:14,710 --> 00:11:17,630 What I have been doing, I've been branching out a little bit. My career 166 00:11:17,630 --> 00:11:20,890 always been very one -dimensional, just being a stand -up comic. And I've been 167 00:11:20,890 --> 00:11:23,910 doing a couple other things. I worked from Summer Stock last summer. Did you 168 00:11:23,910 --> 00:11:26,250 really? Yeah, it was in Death of a Salesman. I played the suitcase. 169 00:11:26,730 --> 00:11:27,730 Oh, good. 170 00:11:29,340 --> 00:11:32,400 I did a little different for... Rip Torn played the original suitcase on 171 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,359 Broadway. 172 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:38,360 And I understand he did it more as a belief, and I kind of... I did it as a 173 00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:42,320 -suiter. You know, things like that. I got an opera. I've written an opera. 174 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:44,880 interesting, too. You have an opera singer tonight. I've written an opera 175 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:49,820 tuberculosis, and the only trouble is trying... Yeah, well, trouble is trying 176 00:11:49,820 --> 00:11:51,320 find a thin tenor, you know? 177 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,880 This is serious. I'm writing a sequel to the Bible. 178 00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:02,100 It's a wonderful book. It's been around a long time. I think it's time for 179 00:12:02,100 --> 00:12:06,980 another. And I'm having trouble with the title. I go Bible II. I want to call it 180 00:12:06,980 --> 00:12:07,699 Bible II. 181 00:12:07,700 --> 00:12:09,480 Son of Bible. You get into those things. 182 00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:11,900 The Bible goes west, you know. 183 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:17,380 That's all your house is. It's a place to keep your stuff while you go out and 184 00:12:17,380 --> 00:12:18,380 get more stuff. 185 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:24,500 Now, sometimes, sometimes you've got to move. You've got to get a bigger house. 186 00:12:24,620 --> 00:12:26,180 Why? Too much stuff. 187 00:12:27,820 --> 00:12:29,720 You've got to move on. your stuff. 188 00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:32,780 And maybe put some of your stuff in storage. 189 00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:37,740 Imagine that. There's a whole industry based on keeping an eye on your stuff. 190 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:42,840 Enough about your stuff. Let's talk about other people's stuff. 191 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:46,700 Did you ever notice when you go to somebody else's house, you never quite 192 00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:50,500 100 % at home? You know why? No room for your stuff. 193 00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,440 Somebody else's stuff is all over the place. 194 00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:57,000 And what awful stuff it is. 195 00:12:58,860 --> 00:13:00,020 did they get this stuff? 196 00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:05,280 And if you have to stay overnight at someone's house, you know, unexpectedly 197 00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:07,840 they give you a little room to sleep in that they don't use that often. 198 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:14,600 Someone died in it 11 years ago and they haven't moved any of his stuff. 199 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:19,980 Or wherever they give you to sleep, usually right near the bed there's a 200 00:13:19,980 --> 00:13:22,300 and there's never any room on the dresser for your stuff. 201 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:25,200 Someone else's shit is on the dresser. 202 00:13:25,950 --> 00:13:29,050 Have you noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff? 203 00:13:31,230 --> 00:13:37,230 The FCC, the Federal Communications Commission, decided all by itself that 204 00:13:37,230 --> 00:13:40,810 and television were the only two parts of American life not protected by the 205 00:13:40,810 --> 00:13:43,190 free speech provisions of the First Amendment to the Constitution. 206 00:13:43,890 --> 00:13:46,910 I'd like to repeat that because it sounds vaguely important. 207 00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:55,840 You see, an appointed body, not elected, answerable only to the president, 208 00:13:55,900 --> 00:13:59,760 decided on its own that radio and television were the only two parts of 209 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:02,280 life not protected by the First Amendment to the Constitution. 210 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:06,780 And why did they decide that? Because they got a letter from a minister in 211 00:14:06,780 --> 00:14:07,780 Mississippi. 212 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:13,300 A Reverend Donald Wildman in Mississippi heard something on the radio that he 213 00:14:13,300 --> 00:14:14,159 didn't like. 214 00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:18,220 Well, Reverend, did anyone ever tell you there are two knobs on the radio? 215 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:28,920 Of course, I'm sure the Reverend isn't that comfortable with anything that has 216 00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:30,240 two knobs on it. 217 00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:37,680 But hey, Reverend, there are two knobs on the radio. One of them turns the 218 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:40,620 off, and the other one changes the station. 219 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,280 Imagine that, Reverend. You can actually change the station. 220 00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:49,360 It's called freedom of choice, and it's one of the principles this country was 221 00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:52,780 founded upon. Look it up in the library, Reverend, if you have any of them left 222 00:14:52,780 --> 00:14:54,380 when you finish burning all the books. 223 00:14:56,840 --> 00:14:59,420 a while since I've been here and a couple of things that happened in that 224 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:02,820 I'd like to talk a little bit about the war in the Persian Gulf. 225 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:08,500 Big dunes in the Persian Gulf. You know my favorite part of that war? It's the 226 00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:11,620 first war we ever had that was on every channel plus cable. 227 00:15:13,260 --> 00:15:17,760 And the war got good ratings too, didn't it? Got good ratings. Well, we like 228 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:18,760 war. 229 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,520 We like war. We're a war -like people. 230 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:25,800 We like war because we're good at it. And you know why we're good at it? 231 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:26,900 we get a lot of practice. 232 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:31,960 This country's only 200 years old and already we've had 10 major wars. 233 00:15:32,500 --> 00:15:36,960 We average a major war every 20 years in this country. So we're good at it. 234 00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:40,440 And it's a good thing we are. We're not very good at anything else anymore. 235 00:15:42,260 --> 00:15:43,620 Can't build a decent car. 236 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:46,700 Can't make a TV set or a VCR worth of fuck. 237 00:15:48,349 --> 00:15:51,830 Got no steel industry left, can't educate our young people, can't get 238 00:15:51,830 --> 00:15:55,810 care to our old people, but we can bomb the shit out of your country, all right? 239 00:15:56,930 --> 00:16:00,330 We can bomb the shit out of your country, all right? 240 00:16:04,210 --> 00:16:07,090 Especially if your country is full of brown people. 241 00:16:08,730 --> 00:16:11,070 Oh, we like that, don't we? That's our hobby. 242 00:16:12,130 --> 00:16:15,130 That's our new job in the world, bombing brown people. 243 00:16:16,619 --> 00:16:20,440 Iraq, Panama, Grenada, Libya. You got some brown people in your country. Tell 244 00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:25,360 them to watch the fuck out or we'll goddamn bomb them. 245 00:16:26,260 --> 00:16:29,240 Well, when's the last white people you can remember that we bombed? Can you 246 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:33,400 remember the last white? Can you remember any white people we've ever 247 00:16:33,420 --> 00:16:36,280 The Germans. Those are the only ones. And that's only because they were trying 248 00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:37,540 to cut in on our action. 249 00:16:38,940 --> 00:16:40,980 They wanted to dominate the world. 250 00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:42,780 Bullshit. That's our fight. 251 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:26,500 Call this piece advertising. 252 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:34,460 Quality, values, style, service, selection, convenience, economy, 253 00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:39,000 performance, experience, hospitality, low rates, friendly service, name 254 00:17:39,260 --> 00:17:43,200 easy terms, affordable prices, money -back guarantee, free installation. 255 00:17:43,860 --> 00:17:47,540 Free admission, free appraisal, free alterations, free delivery, free 256 00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:49,700 free home trial, and free parking. 257 00:17:50,340 --> 00:17:51,340 No cash? 258 00:17:51,620 --> 00:17:52,620 No problem. 259 00:17:53,870 --> 00:17:54,649 No kidding. 260 00:17:54,650 --> 00:17:59,470 No fuss, no must, no risk, no obligation, no red tape, no hidden 261 00:17:59,470 --> 00:18:03,690 down payment, no entry fee, no purchase necessary, no one will call on you, no 262 00:18:03,690 --> 00:18:06,590 payments or interest till December, and no parking. 263 00:18:07,870 --> 00:18:11,890 Limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money, offer good 264 00:18:11,890 --> 00:18:15,750 while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately, batteries not 265 00:18:15,750 --> 00:18:17,170 included, mileage may vary. 266 00:18:18,730 --> 00:18:21,050 All sales are final. Allow six weeks for delivery. 267 00:18:21,310 --> 00:18:23,710 Some items not available. Some assembly required. 268 00:18:23,990 --> 00:18:25,370 Some restrictions may apply. 269 00:18:26,650 --> 00:18:28,450 Shop by mail. Order by phone. 270 00:18:28,750 --> 00:18:30,690 Try it in your home. Get one for your car. 271 00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:32,690 All entries become our property. 272 00:18:33,090 --> 00:18:36,750 Employees not eligible. Entry fees not refundable. Local restrictions apply. 273 00:18:37,310 --> 00:18:39,690 Void where prohibited, except in Indiana. 274 00:18:41,390 --> 00:18:46,410 So come on in. Come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation 275 00:18:46,410 --> 00:18:48,130 our friendly professional staff. 276 00:18:48,410 --> 00:18:52,090 Our courteous and knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a 277 00:18:52,090 --> 00:18:56,350 selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget. And say, 278 00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:58,950 don't forget to pick up your free gift. 279 00:18:59,790 --> 00:19:05,210 A classic deluxe custom designer luxury prestige high quality premium select 280 00:19:05,210 --> 00:19:06,650 gourmet pocket flashlight. 281 00:19:10,860 --> 00:19:15,480 And if you act now, we'll include an extra added free complimentary bonus 282 00:19:15,660 --> 00:19:20,420 a classic deluxe custom designer luxury prestige high quality premium select 283 00:19:20,420 --> 00:19:26,320 gourmet leather style wallet with detachable key chain and a pencil 284 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:30,400 our way of saying thank you. And if you're not completely satisfied, you pay 285 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:35,220 nothing. Simply return the unused portion for a full refund. No questions 286 00:19:35,540 --> 00:19:38,980 It's our way of saying thank you. Keep your free gift. 287 00:19:40,210 --> 00:19:45,830 Actually, it's our way of saying bend over just a little further and let us 288 00:19:45,830 --> 00:19:48,850 stick this big dick into your ass a little bit deeper. 289 00:19:56,350 --> 00:20:02,330 You know, whenever you're exposed to advertising in this country, you realize 290 00:20:02,330 --> 00:20:05,990 all over again that America's leading industry is still. 291 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:10,240 The manufacture, distribution, packaging and marketing of bullshit. 292 00:20:11,260 --> 00:20:12,980 High quality bullshit. 293 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:16,760 World class designer bullshit, to be sure. 294 00:20:17,940 --> 00:20:20,800 Hospital tested, clinically proven bullshit. 295 00:20:21,180 --> 00:20:22,760 But bullshit nonetheless. 296 00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:28,120 And it always amuses me that so many people seem to think that bullshit only 297 00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:29,520 comes from certain sources. 298 00:20:29,780 --> 00:20:33,860 You know, advertising, politicians, salesmen. Not true. 299 00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:35,710 Bullshit is everywhere. 300 00:20:36,510 --> 00:20:37,810 Bullshit is rampant. 301 00:20:38,730 --> 00:20:39,910 Parents are full of shit. 302 00:20:40,250 --> 00:20:41,470 Teachers are full of shit. 303 00:20:41,970 --> 00:20:45,410 Clergymen are full of shit. Law enforcement people are full of shit. 304 00:20:45,690 --> 00:20:48,870 The entire country is completely full of shit. 305 00:20:49,690 --> 00:20:54,350 In fact, this country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that 306 00:20:54,350 --> 00:20:55,610 all men are created equal. 307 00:20:56,350 --> 00:21:02,930 That is what's known as being stunningly, stunningly full of shit. 308 00:21:04,620 --> 00:21:08,520 And, you know, I think people 309 00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:14,880 show their ignorance when they say they want politicians to be honest. 310 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,560 What are these people talking about? 311 00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:23,140 If honesty was suddenly introduced into politics, it would throw everything off. 312 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:25,580 The whole system would collapse. 313 00:21:26,220 --> 00:21:30,440 And I think deep down the American people know that. The American people 314 00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:31,680 their bullshit out front. 315 00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:34,960 where they can get a good, strong whiff of it. 316 00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:37,840 That's why they re -elected Clinton. 317 00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:40,520 Listen. 318 00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:46,020 Clinton might be full of shit, but he lets you know it. 319 00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:50,820 Dole tried to hide it. I'm an honest man. 320 00:21:51,580 --> 00:21:52,580 Bullshit. 321 00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:58,800 Bullshit. People don't believe that shit. Clinton said, hi, I'm full of 322 00:21:58,820 --> 00:21:59,820 and how do you like that? 323 00:22:02,410 --> 00:22:04,650 And the people said, at least he's honest. 324 00:22:05,790 --> 00:22:08,450 At least he's honest about being full of shit. 325 00:22:11,150 --> 00:22:12,610 It's like the business world. 326 00:22:13,130 --> 00:22:16,030 All businessmen are completely full of shit. 327 00:22:16,610 --> 00:22:19,330 Just the worst kind of people you could ever want to run into. 328 00:22:20,150 --> 00:22:23,370 Businessmen. And the proof of it is, they don't even trust each other. 329 00:22:23,850 --> 00:22:27,810 They don't trust each other. When a businessman is negotiating a deal, the 330 00:22:27,810 --> 00:22:29,530 thing he does is to automatically assume. 331 00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:35,180 that the other guy is a complete lying prick who's trying to fuck him on the 332 00:22:35,180 --> 00:22:38,960 deal. So he has to do everything he can to fuck the other guy a little bit 333 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,300 harder and a little bit faster. 334 00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:45,160 And then, when it comes to dealing with customers, that's when you get the big 335 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:46,160 smile. 336 00:22:46,500 --> 00:22:47,800 That's when you get the big smile. 337 00:22:48,920 --> 00:22:53,200 Businessman always has that big smile on his face as he carefully positions 338 00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:56,160 himself directly behind the customer. 339 00:22:59,020 --> 00:23:04,720 unzips his pants, and services the account. 340 00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:12,760 We specialize in customer service. 341 00:23:13,300 --> 00:23:15,740 You heard that? Now you know what it means. 342 00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:22,260 Whoever coined the phrase, let the buyer beware, was probably bleeding from the 343 00:23:22,260 --> 00:23:23,260 asshole. 344 00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:37,880 advertising. Advertising is the businessman's cheaply dressed $2 345 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:44,020 Advertising sells you things you don't need and can't afford that are 346 00:23:44,020 --> 00:23:45,020 and don't work. 347 00:23:45,580 --> 00:23:49,020 And they do it by exploiting your fears and insecurities. 348 00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:53,040 And if you don't have any, they'll be glad to give you a few by showing you a 349 00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:55,260 nice picture of a woman with big tits. 350 00:23:56,260 --> 00:23:57,740 That's the essence of advertising. 351 00:23:58,020 --> 00:23:59,080 Big tits. 352 00:24:00,260 --> 00:24:02,340 Threateningly. Big tits. 353 00:24:03,580 --> 00:24:05,960 And speaking of big tits, what about show business? 354 00:24:06,740 --> 00:24:11,440 Show business, completely dishonest, corrupt, and full of shit, but in a nice 355 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:12,440 way. 356 00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:15,600 Plenty of expensive drugs and perverted sex. 357 00:24:16,020 --> 00:24:19,280 If you're going to be full of shit, might as well enjoy your work. 358 00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:22,840 Then you have the media. 359 00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:25,480 Not just the news media, let's include them all. 360 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:29,000 The media are almost literally exposed. 361 00:24:29,230 --> 00:24:30,430 Exploding with bullshit. 362 00:24:30,990 --> 00:24:34,810 Because they're located right at the crossroads of all the other bullshit. 363 00:24:35,330 --> 00:24:40,890 The media are made up of equal parts advertising, politics, business, 364 00:24:41,130 --> 00:24:44,150 public relations, and show business. 365 00:24:44,550 --> 00:24:47,130 These people are sitting right at bullshit junction. 366 00:24:48,590 --> 00:24:52,530 There's enough bullshit in the media for Texas to open a branch office. 367 00:24:53,850 --> 00:24:57,670 And you still have enough left over to start two law firms and a Christian 368 00:24:57,670 --> 00:24:58,670 bookstore. 369 00:25:04,780 --> 00:25:10,880 Because, folks, I got to tell you, when it comes to bullshit, truly Major League 370 00:25:10,880 --> 00:25:17,540 bullshit, you have to stand back in awe, in awe of the all -time heavyweight 371 00:25:17,540 --> 00:25:21,960 champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. 372 00:25:23,180 --> 00:25:24,180 Organized religion. 373 00:25:24,380 --> 00:25:26,600 It's no contest. 374 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:32,420 Religion easily, easily has the best bullshit story of all time. 375 00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:33,880 Think about it. 376 00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:41,740 Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the 377 00:25:41,740 --> 00:25:47,220 who watches everything you do every minute of every day. 378 00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:54,800 And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to 379 00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:55,739 do. 380 00:25:55,740 --> 00:26:00,500 And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place. 381 00:26:03,580 --> 00:26:09,600 burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever and 382 00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:13,940 suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. 383 00:26:15,420 --> 00:26:16,860 But he loves you. 384 00:26:18,340 --> 00:26:19,840 He loves you. 385 00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:27,080 He loves you and he needs money. 386 00:26:31,100 --> 00:26:33,220 He always needs money. 387 00:26:35,179 --> 00:26:38,780 He's all -powerful, all -present, all -knowing, and all -wise. 388 00:26:39,620 --> 00:26:41,420 Just can't handle money. 389 00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:52,400 Religion takes in billions and billions of dollars. They pay no taxes, and 390 00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:53,940 somehow they always need money. 391 00:26:54,660 --> 00:26:56,820 You talk about a good bullshit story. 392 00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:59,920 If I may be permitted a small pun. 393 00:27:01,149 --> 00:27:02,149 Holy shit. 394 00:27:03,550 --> 00:27:04,590 Holy shit. 395 00:27:13,690 --> 00:27:15,350 Now we're going to lighten up a little bit. 396 00:27:16,850 --> 00:27:18,350 We're going to go back to advertising. 397 00:27:19,290 --> 00:27:21,310 And we're going to go on a little bullshit hunt. 398 00:27:21,870 --> 00:27:23,110 A little bullshit hunt. 399 00:27:23,330 --> 00:27:25,610 Going to look at some advertising lingo. 400 00:27:26,430 --> 00:27:28,330 Especially food advertising. 401 00:27:28,970 --> 00:27:29,970 You know the people. 402 00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:34,520 Fresh, natural, hearty, old -fashioned, homemade goodness in a can. 403 00:27:36,340 --> 00:27:37,580 That kind of stuff. 404 00:27:39,620 --> 00:27:42,740 So let's take a look. Let's take a look at some of these words. 405 00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:44,200 Old -fashioned. 406 00:27:45,140 --> 00:27:49,080 When you hear old -fashioned, you're supposed to think, oh, this goes back to 407 00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:50,080 the old days. 408 00:27:50,340 --> 00:27:52,300 Right. The old days. 409 00:27:52,900 --> 00:27:54,900 Before we had sanitation laws. 410 00:27:56,460 --> 00:27:58,680 Before hygiene became popular. 411 00:28:00,219 --> 00:28:02,580 When botulism is still considered a sauce. 412 00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:09,280 Old -fashioned is supposed to give you a warm feeling, make you think about your 413 00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:12,640 grandmother. Well, I don't know about you, but when I'm picking out food, I 414 00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:17,100 don't want to be picturing 90 pounds of wrinkles in a black dress with a big 415 00:28:17,100 --> 00:28:20,640 hairy mole sticking out and an infected lip. 416 00:28:22,560 --> 00:28:23,720 Old -fashioned. 417 00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:26,640 Then you have homemade. 418 00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:31,400 Homemade. You see this on the packages in the supermarkets. 419 00:28:32,100 --> 00:28:37,700 Folks, believe me, it is physically impossible for a food processing plant 420 00:28:37,700 --> 00:28:39,260 produce anything homemade. 421 00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:43,260 I don't care if the CEO is living in the basement and cooking on a hot plate. 422 00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:46,380 It's not going to happen. 423 00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:50,480 Then you shouldn't be eating processed foods and packaged foods anyway. They're 424 00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:51,480 no good for you. 425 00:28:51,980 --> 00:28:56,180 You know how I stopped eating processed foods? I started picturing the people 426 00:28:56,180 --> 00:28:57,440 who were doing the processing. 427 00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:02,380 Next time you're in the bus and you see some guy with gangrene on his hands, 428 00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:06,140 just picture him on the assembly line putting little pieces of chicken in a 429 00:29:07,300 --> 00:29:08,300 That'll cure you. 430 00:29:08,860 --> 00:29:10,760 Then go home and eat some fucking grapes. 431 00:29:14,660 --> 00:29:17,860 Homemade. You see homemade in the restaurants, too. 432 00:29:18,420 --> 00:29:19,420 Homemade soup. 433 00:29:20,040 --> 00:29:24,440 I don't care how much the amphetamine -driven waitress with the Marlboro lines 434 00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:26,160 in her face reminds you of your mother. 435 00:29:26,890 --> 00:29:28,490 The soup is not homemade. 436 00:29:29,770 --> 00:29:34,090 Unless someone is living in the kitchen. And if that's the case, I want to get a 437 00:29:34,090 --> 00:29:35,230 good look at this motherfucker. 438 00:29:36,090 --> 00:29:40,570 I want to check this guy for lesions, carbuncles, impetigo, pink eye, and 439 00:29:40,570 --> 00:29:41,570 ringworm. 440 00:29:42,930 --> 00:29:44,310 And head lice. 441 00:29:46,690 --> 00:29:48,270 Then you have home style. 442 00:29:49,090 --> 00:29:54,370 Home style. When the advertising imbeciles realize that homemade sounds 443 00:29:54,370 --> 00:29:56,180 of shit, They go to home style. 444 00:29:56,900 --> 00:29:58,360 Home style flavor. 445 00:29:58,780 --> 00:30:00,860 Whose home are we talking about? 446 00:30:01,540 --> 00:30:02,860 Jeffrey Dahmer's? 447 00:30:04,380 --> 00:30:08,520 Believe me, there's nothing home style about the boiled head of a Cambodian 448 00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:09,520 teenager, okay? 449 00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:12,860 Even if you sprinkle parsley on the hair. 450 00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:24,780 And any time they add the word style to another word, Someone is pulling your 451 00:30:24,780 --> 00:30:25,780 prick. 452 00:30:26,680 --> 00:30:28,000 Old -style goodness. 453 00:30:28,300 --> 00:30:29,300 What does that mean? 454 00:30:29,720 --> 00:30:32,300 Nothing. It means nothing. 455 00:30:33,340 --> 00:30:35,160 New York -style deli. 456 00:30:35,420 --> 00:30:37,540 It means it's not located in New York. 457 00:30:38,180 --> 00:30:40,600 That's all it means, or they wouldn't have to say it in the first place. 458 00:30:41,020 --> 00:30:43,780 It's located in Calgary, and the owner is from Hong Kong. 459 00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:48,660 And the food tastes like things that the Bangladeshis throw away. 460 00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:55,160 Chicago -style pizza means the night manager once changed planes at O 'Hare. 461 00:30:57,800 --> 00:31:01,700 Family -style restaurant. You know what that means? It means there's an argument 462 00:31:01,700 --> 00:31:02,900 going on at every table. 463 00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:06,580 Two people are crying and the eldest male is punching the women. 464 00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:08,820 Family -style. 465 00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:11,120 Family -style. 466 00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:14,900 Then you have gourmet. 467 00:31:15,620 --> 00:31:19,520 Here's another word the advertising cretins have completely wiped their 468 00:31:19,520 --> 00:31:20,520 with. 469 00:31:20,850 --> 00:31:21,850 Gourmet. 470 00:31:23,210 --> 00:31:25,390 Gourmet dining in a cup. 471 00:31:26,730 --> 00:31:28,770 Gourmet cuisine in a can. 472 00:31:29,810 --> 00:31:33,590 By the way, whenever you hear cuisine in place of food, be prepared to pay an 473 00:31:33,590 --> 00:31:37,190 extra 80%. Gourmet rolls. 474 00:31:37,490 --> 00:31:38,530 Gourmet coffee. 475 00:31:38,950 --> 00:31:41,750 Gourmet pizza. These things do not exist. 476 00:31:42,330 --> 00:31:43,950 You want to know what gourmet food? 477 00:31:44,590 --> 00:31:46,310 Toasted snail penises. 478 00:31:49,000 --> 00:31:50,280 Candied moose balls. 479 00:31:51,340 --> 00:31:53,400 Deep dish yak dick. 480 00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:56,280 Pour me. 481 00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:01,480 Here's another full of shit food word. 482 00:32:02,040 --> 00:32:03,040 Hearty. 483 00:32:03,380 --> 00:32:06,100 Hearty. Soup is hearty. 484 00:32:06,720 --> 00:32:10,980 Breakfast is hearty. You know what I do when I hear the word hearty? I look at 485 00:32:10,980 --> 00:32:11,899 the label. 486 00:32:11,900 --> 00:32:14,480 300 grams of saturated fat. 487 00:32:15,420 --> 00:32:17,240 Hearty, as in heart attack. 488 00:32:20,780 --> 00:32:25,920 with buttery and lemony and chocolatey. Real chocolatey goodness. 489 00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:27,259 Know what that means? 490 00:32:27,260 --> 00:32:28,460 No fucking chocolate. 491 00:32:35,660 --> 00:32:40,900 And beware when they add the word flavored to another word. 492 00:32:41,300 --> 00:32:43,100 Lemon flavored drink. 493 00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:45,300 No fucking lemons. 494 00:32:46,810 --> 00:32:50,330 As a pet food now refers to itself as a chicken -flavored treat. 495 00:32:50,870 --> 00:32:52,750 Well, a dog doesn't know what chicken is. 496 00:32:53,110 --> 00:32:55,590 He might like it if you give it to him, but he's not going to say, oh, good, I 497 00:32:55,590 --> 00:32:56,730 was hoping we'd have chicken again. 498 00:32:59,050 --> 00:33:02,290 And by the way, chicken -flavored treat? Right. 499 00:33:02,510 --> 00:33:04,070 No fucking chicken. 500 00:33:08,050 --> 00:33:10,090 Zesty and tangy. 501 00:33:10,800 --> 00:33:15,200 Zesty and tangy are not real words that normal human beings use in conversation. 502 00:33:15,600 --> 00:33:17,060 They're advertising words. 503 00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:23,280 Do you ever have someone turn to you and say, this is real zesty and tangy too. 504 00:33:26,820 --> 00:33:31,820 Now, one more food word before I completely change the subject on you. 505 00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:33,280 Natural. 506 00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:38,660 This is directed to all you health food fiends and environmental nitwits. 507 00:33:39,260 --> 00:33:44,780 And yuppie cocksuckers who are running around in your natural fibers. 508 00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:47,380 Your natural fibers. 509 00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:51,120 The word natural is completely meaningless. 510 00:33:51,920 --> 00:33:53,780 Everything is natural. 511 00:33:54,060 --> 00:33:56,020 Nature includes everything. 512 00:33:56,280 --> 00:33:58,560 It's not just trees and flowers. 513 00:33:58,900 --> 00:34:00,100 It's everything. 514 00:34:00,420 --> 00:34:04,920 A chemical company's toxic waste is completely natural. 515 00:34:05,930 --> 00:34:06,930 It's part of nature. 516 00:34:07,170 --> 00:34:10,170 We're all part of nature. Everything is natural. 517 00:34:10,850 --> 00:34:13,130 Dog shit is natural. 518 00:34:14,670 --> 00:34:16,409 It's just not real good food. 519 00:34:18,370 --> 00:34:22,590 Now, change the subject on you, but we're going to stay on the dog theme. 520 00:34:23,600 --> 00:34:26,679 I want to bring you up to date on my pets at home. This is something I've 521 00:34:26,679 --> 00:34:28,100 touched over the years, little by little. 522 00:34:28,480 --> 00:34:30,500 Talking about my dogs and cats at home. 523 00:34:30,780 --> 00:34:32,760 I'd like to tell you the latest, what's going on. 524 00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:36,380 The one I talked about the earliest and most often was Tippy. 525 00:34:36,940 --> 00:34:39,480 Little Tippy. Tippy was a mixed terrier. 526 00:34:39,980 --> 00:34:42,760 And Tippy committed suicide about eight or nine years ago. 527 00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:45,060 Yeah, oh, I've had a lot of dogs do that. 528 00:34:45,840 --> 00:34:49,120 Haven't you? Oh, shit, I've had six or seven dogs just run out in front of a 529 00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:50,600 truck for no apparent reason. 530 00:34:51,659 --> 00:34:54,280 And you can never tell there's anything bothering them beforehand. 531 00:34:56,060 --> 00:34:58,240 No sign of turmoil or trouble. 532 00:34:59,560 --> 00:35:05,480 You know, they don't show up wearing a Judas Priest t -shirt with a new 533 00:35:05,480 --> 00:35:07,560 companion who can't make eye contact. 534 00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:13,980 I guess one day they just snap in their little heads. 535 00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:17,180 They snap and out they go into traffic in front of a truck and boom. 536 00:35:17,760 --> 00:35:19,100 And we looked at it and we said, well, 537 00:35:19,900 --> 00:35:21,520 That's what Tippy wanted to do. 538 00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:24,320 That was Tippy's little decision. 539 00:35:24,780 --> 00:35:27,260 Who are we to interfere in the plans of a dog? 540 00:35:28,200 --> 00:35:33,560 So we just processed our grief and moved along, as so many of us had to do in 541 00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:34,560 the 80s. 542 00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:36,840 Then we got Andy. 543 00:35:37,600 --> 00:35:38,960 Andy was a mixed shepherd. 544 00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:41,540 Everything we had was mixed something. 545 00:35:42,580 --> 00:35:44,680 Even a lot of people in the family, when I think of it. 546 00:35:45,920 --> 00:35:48,220 And some of the livelier ones, too. 547 00:35:49,420 --> 00:35:53,880 And he was supposed to have been a German shepherd, according to my drug 548 00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:55,280 friend who gave it to me. 549 00:35:56,500 --> 00:35:59,320 You know, he handed me a little puppy, and he said, this is going to be a 550 00:35:59,320 --> 00:36:00,320 shepherd. 551 00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:06,920 And I, being full of drugs at the time myself, I said, well, fuck yeah. 552 00:36:08,120 --> 00:36:09,940 You can already see the ears. 553 00:36:12,500 --> 00:36:13,900 And, of course, it never happened. 554 00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:18,480 I used to call her my Austrian shepherd because she never quite made it to the 555 00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:19,480 German border. 556 00:36:26,980 --> 00:36:29,020 But Annie isn't with us anymore either. 557 00:36:29,700 --> 00:36:30,840 Annie had to go away. 558 00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:33,300 That's the way we say it at home. 559 00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:35,740 That's the only euphemism we allow ourselves. 560 00:36:36,560 --> 00:36:37,820 Annie had to go away. 561 00:36:38,500 --> 00:36:40,700 It happens, huh? Doesn't it? Yeah. 562 00:36:41,340 --> 00:36:42,420 It's part of the deal. 563 00:36:43,340 --> 00:36:44,340 Part of the deal. 564 00:36:44,540 --> 00:36:46,180 What happens when you get a pet? 565 00:36:46,540 --> 00:36:48,000 You have them for a while. 566 00:36:48,360 --> 00:36:49,480 They get old. 567 00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:52,620 They go away. 568 00:36:53,460 --> 00:36:54,780 Just like your grandma. 569 00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:57,360 Same shit, different species. 570 00:36:58,320 --> 00:36:59,540 What happens to grandma? 571 00:36:59,940 --> 00:37:02,560 You have her for a while. She gets old. 572 00:37:02,980 --> 00:37:05,400 She goes away. 573 00:37:06,180 --> 00:37:08,480 It's inevitable when you buy the pet. 574 00:37:08,880 --> 00:37:11,500 You're supposed to know it in the pet shop. 575 00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:14,520 It's going to end badly. 576 00:37:15,960 --> 00:37:18,260 You're purchasing a small tragedy. 577 00:37:21,060 --> 00:37:22,860 So look at him, isn't he cute? 578 00:37:23,600 --> 00:37:25,320 My shit is gonna die! 579 00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:29,940 Unless you're in your 80s and you're buying a tortoise. 580 00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:35,500 Annie just got old, that's all. 581 00:37:35,780 --> 00:37:39,100 Got old, hips started to go. First sign of trouble with Annie, hips. 582 00:37:39,480 --> 00:37:40,740 Just like my grandma. 583 00:37:41,470 --> 00:37:42,470 Isn't that odd? 584 00:37:42,990 --> 00:37:47,210 Two members of the same family, different species, same symptoms. 585 00:37:48,030 --> 00:37:49,050 Makes you think. 586 00:37:50,750 --> 00:37:51,750 Maybe not. 587 00:37:53,370 --> 00:37:55,110 Even the names were similar. 588 00:37:55,390 --> 00:37:56,570 Granny and Annie. 589 00:37:58,259 --> 00:38:01,800 And he got that hip dysplasia. It's kind of a spinal degenerative disease where 590 00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:05,140 they can't hold up their hind legs anymore. It's gradual. They start 591 00:38:05,140 --> 00:38:07,780 those legs. They start dragging them. Oh, it's a terrible thing to see. It's 592 00:38:07,780 --> 00:38:10,320 horrible if you love the dog. They're scraping their legs and everything, just 593 00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:13,220 dragging behind them. It's no way to live. And it pisses you off because you 594 00:38:13,220 --> 00:38:14,920 wound up with half a goddamn dog. 595 00:38:16,360 --> 00:38:18,740 Here's a front end that is perfectly serviceable. 596 00:38:19,660 --> 00:38:22,020 Shit, she'd have been a Chevrolet. She could have been rebuilt. 597 00:38:22,720 --> 00:38:25,060 You come in the driveway, she'd be sticking out behind a bush. 598 00:38:25,670 --> 00:38:28,490 Say, look, she's okay. And then the rest of her would come out, oh, shit. 599 00:38:29,350 --> 00:38:33,030 It gets worse and worse and worse. 600 00:38:33,630 --> 00:38:35,450 And there's nothing you can do about it. 601 00:38:35,730 --> 00:38:40,230 And finally it got so bad, Annie couldn't even get out where the trucks 602 00:38:41,810 --> 00:38:44,050 So I had to intervene on her behalf. 603 00:38:45,150 --> 00:38:49,870 I had to get some people to come to the house and essentially whack my dog. 604 00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:52,660 We put a contract out on Annie. 605 00:38:53,580 --> 00:38:56,880 But we whacked her when she was eating a big plate of pasta like they do in the 606 00:38:56,880 --> 00:38:57,880 gangster movies. 607 00:38:58,620 --> 00:39:00,180 We knew Annie would like that. 608 00:39:01,320 --> 00:39:02,600 So Annie went away. 609 00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:04,580 Just like my grandma. 610 00:39:05,840 --> 00:39:09,260 Actually, it was a little bit different. I believe we whacked my grandma in the 611 00:39:09,260 --> 00:39:10,260 beauty salon. 612 00:39:12,160 --> 00:39:15,120 But as soon as Andy was gone, we did what a lot of you folks would have done. 613 00:39:15,220 --> 00:39:18,660 Well, we got a new dog right away. Don't you do that sometimes to fill the void? 614 00:39:18,740 --> 00:39:20,960 You do. You go out and you get a new dog right away, and we got a little guy 615 00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:23,300 called Moe. M -O -E, Moe. 616 00:39:23,680 --> 00:39:26,820 Moe is a Maltese. First dog we ever had that was all one thing. 617 00:39:27,540 --> 00:39:30,780 Ain't nothing inside of Moe except other Malteses. He's about this big, and he's 618 00:39:30,780 --> 00:39:32,200 cuter than a dick. Know what I mean? 619 00:39:32,920 --> 00:39:37,620 Just as cute as can be. And Moe only has one ball, but he doesn't know that. 620 00:39:40,010 --> 00:39:44,850 And he doesn't act like he's got one ball because Moe humps Vern and Vern is 621 00:39:44,850 --> 00:39:45,850 male cat. 622 00:39:48,250 --> 00:39:50,110 Do you ever have that shit going on in your yard? 623 00:39:51,730 --> 00:39:57,230 Not only is it interspecies, it's a homosexual affair as well. 624 00:39:58,130 --> 00:40:00,930 The whole neighborhood is just praying there'd be no children. 625 00:40:01,770 --> 00:40:03,830 Because God knows where you send them to school. 626 00:40:05,500 --> 00:40:08,680 But he's out there first thing in the morning. He's humping away. You know, 627 00:40:08,680 --> 00:40:11,260 got a lot of energy for a guy with one ball. You got to give him a lot of 628 00:40:11,260 --> 00:40:13,180 credit. He's out there humping away. 629 00:40:13,580 --> 00:40:16,100 He's trying to get a little, you know, well, he's trying to get a lot now that 630 00:40:16,100 --> 00:40:16,879 think about it. 631 00:40:16,880 --> 00:40:20,360 And what he's really doing is wearing a hole in the fur on the back end of that 632 00:40:20,360 --> 00:40:21,360 goddamn cat. 633 00:40:22,660 --> 00:40:27,400 And sometimes he's got so much energy, his feet actually leave the ground. 634 00:40:29,640 --> 00:40:30,780 And he's airborne. 635 00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:38,120 Cat hair with dog paws and keep it in at the same time. 636 00:40:38,920 --> 00:40:41,520 And Vern could care less. 637 00:40:43,660 --> 00:40:46,060 Vern will give you a look like this while he's getting fucked in the ass. 638 00:40:52,160 --> 00:40:54,380 Did you ever fuck somebody who's reading a comic book? 639 00:40:55,820 --> 00:40:57,700 Same shit. Tough on the ego, isn't it? 640 00:40:58,040 --> 00:40:59,980 But it does happen occasionally in life. 641 00:41:00,820 --> 00:41:04,020 So Moe humps Vern and it looks so cute. 642 00:41:04,640 --> 00:41:09,080 I mean, it looks so cute. We took a picture of it and made a Christmas card 643 00:41:09,080 --> 00:41:10,080 of it last year. 644 00:41:10,940 --> 00:41:13,160 Swear on my mother's tits. Made a lovely card. 645 00:41:13,680 --> 00:41:15,560 Just put one word on it. Peace. 646 00:41:17,460 --> 00:41:18,460 Yeah. 647 00:41:24,040 --> 00:41:27,700 Yeah. And we spelled it correctly, too. P -E -A -C -E. 648 00:41:28,660 --> 00:41:31,120 There'll be no cheap jokes on our Christmas cards. 649 00:41:31,890 --> 00:41:35,650 We said that our last year, and shit, we lost a lot of friends on that. 650 00:41:37,910 --> 00:41:39,150 So Mo hunts Vern. 651 00:41:41,230 --> 00:41:42,230 I'm getting back. 652 00:41:46,550 --> 00:41:50,570 So Mo hunts Vern, and Vern's a cat, like I said, and we got two cats at home, 653 00:41:50,730 --> 00:41:52,210 Vern and Murphy. 654 00:41:52,510 --> 00:41:55,710 And we got them at the same time. Some years ago, they got into our lives the 655 00:41:55,710 --> 00:41:58,570 same week or something, and when we first got them, we had them neutered. 656 00:41:58,960 --> 00:42:02,620 You know neutered, that's a euphemism for go on and cut his nuts off. 657 00:42:03,600 --> 00:42:05,840 Well, we had it done because somebody said it helped something. 658 00:42:06,580 --> 00:42:08,920 God damn sure it didn't help these cats, I'll tell you that. 659 00:42:09,500 --> 00:42:11,080 But we had it done, we had them fixed. 660 00:42:11,320 --> 00:42:14,400 That's another word for it. Fixed shit wasn't even broke, man. 661 00:42:15,880 --> 00:42:17,240 Oh, they broke now. 662 00:42:19,240 --> 00:42:22,500 Altered is another word for it. Nice people say that, don't they? We had them 663 00:42:22,500 --> 00:42:25,240 altered. Like a pair of pants or something. 664 00:42:26,120 --> 00:42:29,080 Yeah. take a little off the cuffs and cut his nuts off. 665 00:42:30,360 --> 00:42:31,960 And I'll be in on Tuesday. 666 00:42:34,640 --> 00:42:37,100 Well, whatever you want to call it, we had it done. 667 00:42:37,700 --> 00:42:41,840 We brought him into the vet's office and off came the nuts. 668 00:42:42,520 --> 00:42:44,320 We didn't keep them or nothing like that, you know. 669 00:42:45,020 --> 00:42:47,820 Although they do offer them to you, I must say that for them. Say, you want 670 00:42:47,820 --> 00:42:50,520 these? Nah, nah, shit, what are you, fucking crazy? 671 00:42:51,460 --> 00:42:53,600 You keep them. You find something to do with them. 672 00:42:54,330 --> 00:42:56,530 Might make a nice pair of earrings for your wife out of them. 673 00:42:57,270 --> 00:43:01,270 In fact, if my math is not incorrect, you might get two pairs out of that lot. 674 00:43:01,970 --> 00:43:05,370 You keep the nuts, we'll take the cats. We go on home with the cats. 675 00:43:05,730 --> 00:43:09,590 Brought them home and they started growing up. Got to be about six years of 676 00:43:09,990 --> 00:43:15,090 And right about six, Vern, and wouldn't you know too, Vern, the interesting cat. 677 00:43:16,070 --> 00:43:21,790 Vern developed a condition whereby his penis had to be removed surgically. 678 00:43:22,460 --> 00:43:24,620 Not a pleasant thought. 679 00:43:26,280 --> 00:43:30,220 But it happens quite a bit to these male cats. If you feed them only dry cat 680 00:43:30,220 --> 00:43:33,860 food, not good. You've got to get some moist food in that diet every day or 681 00:43:33,860 --> 00:43:36,200 every other day. You've got to have some balance in the diet because there is 682 00:43:36,200 --> 00:43:41,120 something in dry cat food that crystallizes in the urine, blocks the 683 00:43:41,180 --> 00:43:44,120 blocks that whole passageway, and pretty soon you're sitting in the vet's office 684 00:43:44,120 --> 00:43:45,120 and guess what? 685 00:43:45,580 --> 00:43:47,060 Off comes the dick. 686 00:43:48,480 --> 00:43:51,380 Vern will not get in the car with me at all anymore. 687 00:43:57,960 --> 00:44:01,280 He doesn't trust me at all because he doesn't know what's coming off next. 688 00:44:02,660 --> 00:44:07,080 He's walking around counting his feet and shit like that, praying to God he's 689 00:44:07,080 --> 00:44:09,160 still got something left hanging off of him. 690 00:44:10,820 --> 00:44:13,880 Such is the condition of the animals at our house. 691 00:44:14,180 --> 00:44:18,280 And because of it, we have a little riddle. A little riddle going around the 692 00:44:18,280 --> 00:44:21,880 family. What has 12 legs, 2 dicks, and 1 ball? 693 00:44:22,840 --> 00:44:24,840 And it's Murphy, Moe, and Vern. 694 00:44:26,030 --> 00:44:29,670 But you got to be real close to the family to guess it on one try. 695 00:45:23,340 --> 00:45:24,700 Have a good time, you folks. 696 00:45:27,860 --> 00:45:28,860 Yes, sir. 697 00:45:29,280 --> 00:45:30,440 Wonderful. Okay. 698 00:45:32,480 --> 00:45:36,300 All right. Thank you. I'm a little out of breath. No. Please, take your time. 699 00:45:36,320 --> 00:45:40,120 Drink some water. I think the image of the cat and the dog will hold us for 30 700 00:45:40,120 --> 00:45:44,020 or 40 seconds here. I haven't told a little lie about my pet yet. 701 00:45:46,120 --> 00:45:51,420 When you were a kid growing up, you wanted to be Danny Kaye and Bob Hope. 702 00:45:52,300 --> 00:45:57,520 How do you think this thing is working out so far? Well, I knew I wanted to 703 00:45:57,520 --> 00:46:02,060 stand up and be silly and have people say, isn't he cute? 704 00:46:02,360 --> 00:46:03,480 Isn't he cute and clever? 705 00:46:04,020 --> 00:46:07,880 And that's all it was, was a reward, a psychic reward. When you're a kid and 706 00:46:07,880 --> 00:46:14,780 find out that you can get the attention of adults and approval and a little bit 707 00:46:14,780 --> 00:46:19,220 of respect, and you just hunger for it, you keep going back for it. And I have, 708 00:46:19,300 --> 00:46:20,440 fortunately, genetic... 709 00:46:20,760 --> 00:46:24,900 You know, my little toolkit, my genetic toolkit I was given included a mother 710 00:46:24,900 --> 00:46:28,740 and father who were very funny people, could do accents and dialects and tell 711 00:46:28,740 --> 00:46:32,500 funny stories about what happened on the bus that morning and have a punchline. 712 00:46:33,200 --> 00:46:38,020 So you don't lick it off the rock, they say in Ireland. So I thank my 713 00:46:38,020 --> 00:46:39,540 grandmother's milkman, actually. 714 00:46:41,260 --> 00:46:43,440 You never know where these things come from. 715 00:46:44,990 --> 00:46:48,690 It's interesting, you know, as I watch you now and through all the years I 716 00:46:48,690 --> 00:46:52,350 listen to your albums and things, your fascination with language is so 717 00:46:52,470 --> 00:46:54,590 Watching you work is almost like watching a musician. 718 00:46:54,830 --> 00:46:59,070 You know, the way you weave words and use language for emphasis and all that. 719 00:46:59,170 --> 00:47:01,390 Was that always a fascination for you, even as a kid? 720 00:47:01,930 --> 00:47:06,350 Well, to go backwards with the question, don't forget what we do is oratory. 721 00:47:06,530 --> 00:47:07,530 It's rhetoric. 722 00:47:07,910 --> 00:47:09,990 It's not just comedy. It's a form of rhetoric. 723 00:47:10,540 --> 00:47:16,780 And with rhetoric, you listen for rhythms. You look for ways to sing at 724 00:47:16,780 --> 00:47:20,040 time you're talking and to go... And 725 00:47:20,040 --> 00:47:26,140 it's just natural. 726 00:47:26,780 --> 00:47:31,320 My grandfather, whom I never knew, was a policeman in New York at the turn of 727 00:47:31,320 --> 00:47:36,800 the century. And he was an uneducated man, self -educated. And he, in the 728 00:47:36,800 --> 00:47:38,820 of his adult life, he wrote out the... 729 00:47:39,230 --> 00:47:43,970 The works of Shakespeare by hand because of the joy it gave him. 730 00:47:44,850 --> 00:47:46,190 That's an obsessive young man. 731 00:47:46,410 --> 00:47:51,530 Yeah. And most everything is genetic. And my mother cared a lot about 732 00:47:51,650 --> 00:47:56,290 And my father was a champion public speaker of 1935. He won the mahogany 733 00:47:56,650 --> 00:48:00,590 Over 800 other public speakers from the Dale Carnegie Public Speaking Institute. 734 00:48:01,170 --> 00:48:03,670 And he was great. I never knew him either. 735 00:48:04,510 --> 00:48:05,510 Wow. 736 00:48:10,830 --> 00:48:16,210 Were your parents put off by the direction that you went into when you 737 00:48:16,210 --> 00:48:20,090 to go counterculture? Was it a difficult transition for them to watch? Well, he 738 00:48:20,090 --> 00:48:24,410 was out of the picture. He was brilliant, and he was a top salesman in 739 00:48:24,410 --> 00:48:28,910 advertising, but he couldn't metabolize ethanol efficiently. 740 00:48:29,570 --> 00:48:34,490 So he was given his hat. My mother was very brave. She left him. 741 00:48:34,810 --> 00:48:39,890 I was two months old, and my brother was five, five years, and she left down a 742 00:48:39,890 --> 00:48:40,828 fire escape. 743 00:48:40,830 --> 00:48:47,030 So he was gone. She, my mother, was very kind of controlling, wanted to control 744 00:48:47,030 --> 00:48:53,350 my life, and was heartbroken when I began with the dirty language and the 745 00:48:53,350 --> 00:48:57,450 stuff he says about business. She was an advertising executive secretary, loved 746 00:48:57,450 --> 00:49:00,630 the business world, thought it was just the finest thing that ever happened. 747 00:49:00,950 --> 00:49:04,310 And so when I went in that direction at first, very opposed. 748 00:49:05,520 --> 00:49:09,680 until one day we lived on the same street that I went to school in. I went 749 00:49:09,680 --> 00:49:11,960 school on the same block I lived on. Something like that. 750 00:49:12,720 --> 00:49:15,400 Corpus Christi School, and the nuns were great. It wasn't a typical Catholic 751 00:49:15,400 --> 00:49:19,000 school. It was an experimental progressive school that didn't have 752 00:49:19,260 --> 00:49:23,220 didn't have any sort of corporal punishment. It was just a very, very 753 00:49:23,220 --> 00:49:26,340 school. And the nuns, she would see the nuns in the street, and they would say, 754 00:49:26,380 --> 00:49:29,260 Oh, we saw George on the Tonight Show. 755 00:49:29,620 --> 00:49:32,780 And she, being a bit of an actress, she would say, Oh. 756 00:49:33,480 --> 00:49:35,080 It's the awful language, sister. 757 00:49:35,280 --> 00:49:36,280 The awful language. 758 00:49:36,780 --> 00:49:38,980 And one of them said to her, no, no, no, you don't understand. 759 00:49:39,420 --> 00:49:43,080 He's using it for other purposes. He's not just doing it for that. It's kind of 760 00:49:43,080 --> 00:49:45,160 like part of what he does. Don't you understand? It's this and that and so 761 00:49:45,160 --> 00:49:47,220 forth. So she said, oh, well, oh. 762 00:49:47,480 --> 00:49:52,160 And from that day on, she was okay with it because the church had approved it. 763 00:49:53,780 --> 00:49:56,500 So that was that. That's how that works. 764 00:49:58,000 --> 00:50:02,520 People who deal in content that's on the edge, as you do, oftentimes live a 765 00:50:02,520 --> 00:50:04,870 life. It's similarly on an edge. 766 00:50:05,230 --> 00:50:11,410 And a lot of those people go off the rails. Yeah. And we lose them and their 767 00:50:11,410 --> 00:50:17,030 talent. And you've been able to not do that and been able to pull it back in. 768 00:50:17,850 --> 00:50:18,870 Another luck stroke. 769 00:50:19,470 --> 00:50:22,130 You know, you've got to have luck in this world. Part of it's your genetic 770 00:50:22,130 --> 00:50:23,130 makeup. That's luck. 771 00:50:23,410 --> 00:50:29,610 And then what you do with it is also partly genetic because hard work is 772 00:50:29,610 --> 00:50:33,450 genetic. The desire to do hard work, the willingness to work hard and be 773 00:50:33,450 --> 00:50:36,870 determined and not be set, not be turned aside. That's all genetic, too. 774 00:50:37,290 --> 00:50:38,870 It can be altered a little reinforced. 775 00:50:39,450 --> 00:50:45,690 But some of the people who who had so much edgy promise, they died young. I 776 00:50:45,690 --> 00:50:52,530 mean, Lenny Bruce, Sam Kinison, Andy Kaufman in his way. Sure. 777 00:50:52,630 --> 00:50:56,470 Freddie Prinze, John Belushi, Bill Hicks. Right. 778 00:50:56,670 --> 00:50:57,790 And it's just. 779 00:50:58,170 --> 00:51:01,010 I don't know. Of course, Bill had a natural disorder of his own. I think so 780 00:51:01,010 --> 00:51:04,330 Andy. But it's not always behavior. But sometimes it's just genetic. 781 00:51:04,930 --> 00:51:11,890 But it's just that I think there's a degree of luck and intellect involved 782 00:51:11,890 --> 00:51:17,050 in giving up things that hurt you. The drug and alcohol thing, it seems to me, 783 00:51:17,090 --> 00:51:18,090 comes down to this. 784 00:51:18,410 --> 00:51:19,990 Drugs and these things are wonderful. 785 00:51:20,270 --> 00:51:22,770 They're wonderful when you try them first. They're not around for all these 786 00:51:22,770 --> 00:51:23,850 millennia for no reason. 787 00:51:24,370 --> 00:51:26,730 First time, mostly pleasure, very little pain. 788 00:51:27,260 --> 00:51:32,120 maybe a hangover and as you increase and keep using whatever it is the pleasure 789 00:51:32,120 --> 00:51:36,420 part decreases and the pain part the price you pay increases until the 790 00:51:36,420 --> 00:51:39,680 is completely the other way and it's almost all pain and there's hardly any 791 00:51:39,680 --> 00:51:45,900 pleasure at that point you would hope then the intellect says oh oh this 792 00:51:45,900 --> 00:51:51,640 doesn't work anymore i'm going to die and i'll do something but you need 793 00:51:51,640 --> 00:51:55,000 around you who can help you and you need something to live for you have to have 794 00:51:55,000 --> 00:51:56,340 something to look forward to 795 00:51:57,150 --> 00:52:00,110 To bring you out of it. You know, there's a lot of people who don't have a 796 00:52:00,110 --> 00:52:02,410 to live for, and they're sort of stuck inside. 797 00:52:02,610 --> 00:52:05,510 Was there ever any fear that by giving up the drugs, you lose a bit of the 798 00:52:05,510 --> 00:52:09,610 genius by giving up the wildlife style, sanity being the enemy? Well, that has 799 00:52:09,610 --> 00:52:15,070 been a canard for a long time, that most of this creativity comes from being 800 00:52:15,070 --> 00:52:19,590 wacky. And I'm sure there's a lot of truth in that, as far as just being 801 00:52:19,590 --> 00:52:20,569 old wacky. 802 00:52:20,570 --> 00:52:25,230 Where the drugs are concerned, and alcohol, they do seem to open a window 803 00:52:25,230 --> 00:52:31,690 you. They do seem to broaden the vistas. At first, the thing you have to do is 804 00:52:31,690 --> 00:52:35,150 learn when, you know, it's like all these great writers who became drinkers. 805 00:52:35,570 --> 00:52:42,430 You have to sort, like I find with pot, I'm not a big drug user anymore, but I 806 00:52:42,430 --> 00:52:46,030 have always a joint somewhere near me. 807 00:52:46,930 --> 00:52:47,930 Hidden. 808 00:52:48,190 --> 00:52:49,190 Might be hidden. 809 00:52:50,110 --> 00:52:54,730 Might be hidden. And what I do, and I hardly touch it maybe once a month, that 810 00:52:54,730 --> 00:52:56,070 would be frequent for me. 811 00:52:56,670 --> 00:53:00,150 But when I'm writing something, and I write perfectly straight, perfectly 812 00:53:00,230 --> 00:53:02,950 and I write a whole lot of stuff, six, seven, eight, nine pages, and I really 813 00:53:02,950 --> 00:53:07,930 pour it out, the next day, one hit is all I need now. 814 00:53:08,950 --> 00:53:11,890 One hit, and it's punch -up time. 815 00:53:14,250 --> 00:53:15,750 Time to get this thing going. 816 00:53:16,450 --> 00:53:21,460 And you do find, with that sort of... A judicious use, I find, there's some 817 00:53:21,460 --> 00:53:26,520 value in it. But most of the things we use, don't let you leave them alone. 818 00:53:27,120 --> 00:53:29,320 They don't. Pot does, thank goodness for that. 819 00:53:29,960 --> 00:53:30,960 Well, that's excellent. 820 00:53:31,120 --> 00:53:33,820 What? Sorry. You can applaud if you wish. 821 00:53:34,920 --> 00:53:35,960 That's more than fair. 822 00:53:37,900 --> 00:53:39,140 You can more than applaud. 823 00:53:39,440 --> 00:53:40,440 Yeah, thank you. 824 00:53:41,740 --> 00:53:45,060 Why do you still care? Why do you still care enough to keep, you're at a point 825 00:53:45,060 --> 00:53:48,700 in your life where you could go back, you could do your month in Vegas and 826 00:53:48,700 --> 00:53:53,220 Florence Henderson could open up and you could go and hit a couple of balls and 827 00:53:53,220 --> 00:53:55,260 then some pinball. Why do you still care so much? 828 00:53:56,140 --> 00:53:59,840 Well, I'm not comparing myself to any of these people. Believe me. 829 00:54:00,440 --> 00:54:04,300 But you wouldn't say to Picasso, when are you going to put those brushes down? 830 00:54:04,580 --> 00:54:06,680 Get rid of the canvas. You've done it. 831 00:54:08,240 --> 00:54:11,380 I'm an entertainer, first and foremost. But there's art involved here. And an 832 00:54:11,380 --> 00:54:15,420 artist has an obligation to be en route, to be going somewhere. There's a 833 00:54:15,420 --> 00:54:17,900 journey involved here. And you don't know where it is. And that's the fun. 834 00:54:18,300 --> 00:54:21,480 So you're always going to be seeking and looking and going and trying to 835 00:54:21,480 --> 00:54:25,740 challenge yourself. So without sitting around thinking of that a lot, it drives 836 00:54:25,740 --> 00:54:26,920 you and it keeps you. 837 00:54:27,400 --> 00:54:30,500 Trying to be fresh, trying to be new, trying to call on yourself, calling 838 00:54:30,500 --> 00:54:33,260 yourself a little more, you know. And willing to put up with the grueling 839 00:54:33,260 --> 00:54:37,460 promotional schedule and everything else. The only way. Picasso never had to 840 00:54:37,460 --> 00:54:41,480 morning shows in Albuquerque. Right. And the only way I can do this is to go 841 00:54:41,480 --> 00:54:43,960 where the people are. They will not come to my house. 842 00:54:44,920 --> 00:54:48,420 We've offered bus rides and everything. They will not come. I have to go to 843 00:54:48,420 --> 00:54:50,920 Stevens Point, Wisconsin or wherever it is. 844 00:54:51,400 --> 00:54:52,540 And the audiences are great. 845 00:54:52,800 --> 00:54:56,200 And they buy the tickets ahead of time. And they really wait for you to come 846 00:54:56,200 --> 00:54:59,460 there. In the theaters and concert halls, it's special. Because the 847 00:54:59,580 --> 00:55:02,020 they do it beforehand. And you're the whole evening. 848 00:55:02,340 --> 00:55:04,580 In Las Vegas, you're an afterthought. You're an also. 849 00:55:05,000 --> 00:55:08,020 Well, we could go gambling. We could go hookering. We could get drunk. We could 850 00:55:08,020 --> 00:55:09,020 go to the convention. 851 00:55:09,400 --> 00:55:10,920 No, let's go see this guy. 852 00:55:11,600 --> 00:55:13,900 And if they like you, they do. But they're not committed fans. 853 00:55:14,280 --> 00:55:17,880 So it's a different tone there. But it still works. You can still do some 854 00:55:17,880 --> 00:55:19,780 there that you can feel good about. 855 00:55:20,350 --> 00:55:23,710 Do you feel your place in comedy now? Do you feel the, you know, because we've 856 00:55:23,710 --> 00:55:25,950 been spending a lot of time at the festival, and everybody that I would 857 00:55:26,050 --> 00:55:29,470 you know, hey, I'm going to do this George Carlin tribute, and their faces 858 00:55:29,470 --> 00:55:34,010 up. And to a person, really, Carlin? Can I meet him? Is he around? 859 00:55:34,290 --> 00:55:35,410 Do you feel that place? 860 00:55:35,890 --> 00:55:40,650 Well, that is growing on me. I think, you know, longevity is a wonderful 861 00:55:41,210 --> 00:55:44,970 Sometimes you get applause just for not being dead when you say, it's true. 862 00:55:45,490 --> 00:55:49,370 When you say, I'm going to be 60, they applaud that. Wonderful, not dead, 60. 863 00:55:52,240 --> 00:55:56,580 But I'm getting a sense of it. You know, when you're in planes three days a 864 00:55:56,580 --> 00:55:58,920 week, I go out every Friday. I come home every Monday. It's three different 865 00:55:58,920 --> 00:56:02,600 cities, three different nights, airports, hotel lobbies. And people are 866 00:56:02,600 --> 00:56:04,260 wonderful people. I love individuals. 867 00:56:04,500 --> 00:56:08,320 I hate groups of people. I hate people who have a group of people with a common 868 00:56:08,320 --> 00:56:14,580 purpose because pretty soon they have little hats and armbands. 869 00:56:15,560 --> 00:56:21,360 and fight songs and a list of people they're going to visit at 3 a .m so i 870 00:56:21,360 --> 00:56:25,280 dislike and despise groups of people but i love individuals every person you 871 00:56:25,280 --> 00:56:28,540 look at you can see the universe in their eyes if you're really looking and 872 00:56:28,540 --> 00:56:33,020 they're great and so cumulatively i have gotten the feeling that i'm in this big 873 00:56:33,020 --> 00:56:38,230 family a family life i never had by the way this so to say extended family of 874 00:56:38,230 --> 00:56:42,210 people who feel like you're their cousin. You know, I was like, Georgie, 875 00:56:42,210 --> 00:56:43,890 saw you. Hey, remember? Yeah. 876 00:56:44,130 --> 00:56:46,750 Oh, and you know what you said? And I said, did I? Oh, yeah. 877 00:56:46,990 --> 00:56:51,390 So it's, you know, it's just great. And so cumulatively, you say, well, I guess 878 00:56:51,390 --> 00:56:53,350 I'm in the family. I guess it's okay. 879 00:56:53,690 --> 00:56:55,730 Yeah. Do you think, does it boil down? 880 00:57:01,759 --> 00:57:06,940 After 10 HBO hours, after a multitude of best -selling albums, after Grammy 881 00:57:06,940 --> 00:57:11,500 nominations, after Emmy nominations, after Cable 8th awards, does it all boil 882 00:57:11,500 --> 00:57:14,440 down to what you had said originally, that it's about, hey, dig me? 883 00:57:14,900 --> 00:57:16,420 Hey, look at me, ain't I cute? 884 00:57:17,120 --> 00:57:19,020 It's just a job that's called showing off. 885 00:57:19,420 --> 00:57:24,820 And if you can get them to not only stop and listen, but say, isn't he cute? 886 00:57:24,960 --> 00:57:25,960 You're cute. 887 00:57:26,200 --> 00:57:29,240 If you can get the approval. See, in our school, we didn't have grades, so we 888 00:57:29,240 --> 00:57:30,820 didn't have A's, B's, and C's and D's. 889 00:57:31,340 --> 00:57:35,700 The only A's I got, and this is a little corny, I got their attention, I got 890 00:57:35,700 --> 00:57:38,820 their approval, their admiration, their approbation, and their applause. 891 00:57:39,140 --> 00:57:42,620 And those were the only A's I wanted, and I got them. You certainly have mine, 892 00:57:42,700 --> 00:57:43,700 sir. 893 00:57:47,360 --> 00:57:52,000 I just want to say that I can't tell you enough what a pleasure this has been 894 00:57:52,000 --> 00:57:55,260 for me to spend some time with you and to be a part of this show. And thank you 895 00:57:55,260 --> 00:57:57,540 very much for all the wonderful... It's been great to get to know you a little, 896 00:57:57,600 --> 00:57:58,600 and you... 897 00:57:58,620 --> 00:58:01,180 are going to show us a lot, and I look forward to it. Thank you very much.